he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
