i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
