you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
