you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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