There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
