We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
