Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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