You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
