i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
