I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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