I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
