I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
