Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
