I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
