id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
