i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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