lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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