Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
