Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
