Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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