Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
