I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
