seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
