Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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