I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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