My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Randomize
