So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
