Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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