Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
