dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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