I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Randomize
