Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
