we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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