Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
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I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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