Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
