Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
