Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like