Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."