no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...