drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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