Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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