ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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