your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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