my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
