if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
