At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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