based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
