I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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