Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
