how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
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Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
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please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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