When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
