i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Do vagina's smell?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
