If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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