Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
