apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
