he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
