Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I will be naked everywhere
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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