so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I did not marry a roomba.
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