I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
