If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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