dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
