Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
