You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
